And so far, we've survived...

I was looking at my last post and thinking about how far I've come since then. We did survive Jury Duty. It was actually a very easy process this time. They called one panel and immediately took them away, then called the probate panel and then told the rest of us that we were free to go - that was at like 11 AM.

So, because I got done early and James had taken several days off work, I called him and told him we were done and he left Paradise Park where he had taken the kiddos and we came home and packed up and left for a mini-emergency-vacation to St. Louis. In the span of about 2 hours, I found us an inexpensive hotel, a Groupon for the Magic House (the children's museum), found someone to feed the dog and got us all packed up. We were on the road by 2 and headed towards St. Louis. The kids were excited because we haven't really done the vacation thing since we went to Omaha when Jake was one. The kids watched movies on the iPad and I read books and magazines and used my iPhone for directions and stuff while James was driving. We stayed at a hotel that had a pool and free breakfast, so the first evening we just had dinner out and then swam in the pool until time for bed. The second day we went to the Magic House. That place is incredible. We were there until 1 and the kids were starving and we still hadn't seen everything. We were looking at going to the City Museum but it's a lot of climbing and James and I decided that we would wait until the kiddos were older because I worry about Ellie getting scared while climbing on all the stuff, not only that but it was one of the hottest days of the year so far and a lot of the stuff was outside. We ended up spending the afternoon at the Science center because it's free and there were a lot of things aimed at our kiddos' ages. The kids LOVED it! We got to look at their dinosaur exhibit, the kids really liked the show we saw about cryogenics, and the bridge over the highway where you can see the cars go by and see how fast they're going. SUPER COOL! We left there and went back to the hotel for a bit to rest and decide on dinner. We ended up eating at this little Mexican restaurant. It was super yummy!! Since it had cooled off a little (think 98 instead of 105) we took the kids up to the arch to see it and see the museum in there. They liked being able to touch the arch and have their picture taken with it. They also liked seeing all the stuffed buffalo and deer that they had in the Lewis and Clark museum. The next day was Wednesday, our last day in St. Louis, but before we headed home we stopped at the Butterfly House. James and I had been there before and really enjoyed it. The kids, well, they were kind of freaked out by the butterflies flying so close to them. It was SO humid in there - we were all just dripping with sweat and we were very glad we had gone in the morning before it got super miserable for the day. We saw all kinds of cool bugs and some of the most beautiful butterflies. Then began our trek home and the kids talked for a long time about how much fun they had and how they can't wait to go back. I can't wait to take them on their next vacation - which is to Disney! (part of the reason why I took the teaching job!!)

So onto teaching. Honestly, it's going very well. I have some really wonderful students. I have some that are not so wonderful, but honestly even then, they're just being kids. I do live for the weekends when I have a lot of time with James and the kiddos, I miss them terribly during the day. I've had to let go of a lot since I've been at work. I really liked taking Ellie to school and knowing for a fact that she got there safely, trusting the bus to get her there has been a major issue for me, but she gets to school every day and I get there to pick her up and she's loving it. She also started the gifted program this year. She's really loving that too. One of her teachers is a teacher that I had in the gifted program when I was a kid!! Ellie loves both her teachers, she loves riding the bus to a different school on Fridays. She does miss her friends, but that's normal. She also has to be more responsible because her spelling tests are on Thursdays instead of Fridays (when she's at impact) and she has extra work for Impact that she has to do. She's doing a great job with all of it so far and is so happy!

The question is, am I happy? Ya know, I don't know. I miss having the freedom to do whatever I want. I miss being home with Jake and having a clean house and stuff like that. I hate going to work at 6:30 in the morning and missing all the morning stuff. I hate waking up at 5:30. But I really like my students. I think I'm doing a good job of teaching them. I feel like they like me. I don't know where I stand on things yet and maybe that's a good thing. Basically I've been told that if I don't keep numbers up in the French program that there won't be one next year - so maybe it's best if I don't get too attached. *shrug*

Going back to work

So, apparently I'm the new French teacher at a high school here. It's a part-time gig. I wasn't really sure I'd even end up with the job because I figured who would hire someone who hadn't taught in 3 years. Anyway, I got the job. I have moments of major freak out about whether or not I'm ready to go back to work. I have other moments where I'm really looking forward to it and am ready for the new challenge. I worry about Jake at daycare. I hope he handles it ok. I worry about Ellie riding the bus. I also worry about all the time I have to give up away from my family. I know that it will all be ok. I don't think that this would've fallen in my lap if it wasn't where I was supposed to be. Those of you who read this, if anyone does, keep me in your thoughts and prayers with this new endeavor.

Also, I have to go complete my jury duty on August 1st. Lord help me there. I am nervous about going back but I've decided that it will all be ok and I'm looking forward to a day to sit and read my book.

Complaints

I'm going to complain here about several things that have been bothering me lately.

1. Jury Duty - I had a horrible jury duty experience at the beginning of this week and unfortunately have to go back because apparently my 8 hours in the jury room and courtroom don't count. And having the judge yell at me that I think I'm so special because I have no one to watch my children and can't come back the next morning at 9 am, just really was the icing on the cake. I understand that it's our obligation since we live in a free society, blah blah blah, but seriously, I don't ever want to have to do that again. Horrible. I have anxiety anyway, and that just threw me over the edge. I'm actually going to ask my doctor to write me a letter to see if they'll excuse me.

2. People asking for money - I have a former friend who keeps asking people for money. My opinion is that if you don't have the money for this extra thing in your lives, then you don't need that extra thing. The economy is horrible right now. People are worrying about how they're going to feed their children and you're asking for money for something ridiculous? Yeah, no, f you! Not happening.

3. Divorce - coming from a broken home myself, I always feel major pain when people divorce. Sometimes divorce is what needs to happen, but I know the pain and suffering that my mother, sister and I went through during the time the divorce was in progress. It's not easy to tear a family apart and no matter which side you are on, it still hurts. I've seen too many families recently who are going through this and my heart hurts for them all. I'm afraid for my friendships because I feel like now we can't do things as families, it's now one on one and I liked being able to do things as families. I also worry about the children involved in these situations. I know how messed up it made me and I worry that these children will have major problems with relationships.

I'm not judging anyone, well except the people in complaint #2 - and that's a specific family that I'm talking about. I understand that some people like jury duty - good for them - I wish that I had a better attitude about it, but I don't. I also understand that divorce is inevitable for some families. It still breaks my heart and I hate to see people go through that.

Medical problems

Thursday after I wrote my previous blog I had a few more palpitations. Friday I had a couple in the evening. But I got great news on Friday. I went to my doctor in the morning to follow up after the ER visit. I totally cried to my doctor about things and talked about what was going on with the heart palpitations and the anxiety, etc. At that point we didn't have my blood work and the EKG from the ER, so I went to my chiropractor appointment and then waited around for like 40 minutes and finally the ER got my stuff to me. My doc pulled me into the hallway and showed me what was found - my EKG was normal, for sure. Two things from my blood work was weird - my white blood cell count was high (I go back in for repeat blood work on that in 2 weeks) and my TSH was high - which means my thyroid is low! Turns out I'm hypothyroid and that can cause heart palpitations, depression, anxiety, exhaustion, brittle nails, dry skin... the list goes on and on. Those are just the minor symptoms I've been having for a while. I'm so relieved because now we're pretty sure we know why I'm having the heart palpitations and why I've been feeling SO awful. I'm now on thyroid meds and am going to be monitored very closely. If when my thyroid is normal, I'm still having palpitations, then I will have to go through the process of a halter monitor for my heart and seeing what's wrong with my heart. Praying that thyroid is the answer and that I have a pretty easy fix here.

While at the doc I asked about dancing at the Wyandotte County Ethnic Festival because I was scheduled to dance this morning (Saturday). I was able to and very excited about it. The show went really well and as far as I know the knew dance looked really good. I wish I had pictures to upload from it, but I don't yet. I think my friend Angel's son took some, but I'm unsure.

Mommy guilt

My mom's quote from the other day really summarizes my life. "You have made being a stay at home job one of the worst jobs I could possibly imagine. You are so busy and you never have time for yourself."

At first I laughed and then I realized that she was right. I love being a stay at home mom. I love being able to raise my children, be there when they are sick, teach them awesome things by going on field trips or even making a grocery trip a learning experience. I love cooking - which 4 years ago, I would have told you that i hated it. I honestly love trying new recipes and figuring out how to make them better/easier/etc. But my week is booked. Every single day I have something to do, somewhere to go. I occasionally have days where I stay home and enjoy watching tv/movies with Jake. Sometimes we only have 1 errand to run and then I spend the rest of the day at home playing with Jake. I feel guilty if I don't run at least one load of laundry or do a load of dishes. I feel guilty if I don't help out up at Ellie's school when I can and do extra stuff up there. With that, came complete exhaustion. I'm so tired, constantly, from not being able to let myself rest.

My body finally told me that I had to rest. I didn't have a choice. After my dance rehearsal on Tuesday night I was trying to go to bed but my heart kept racing and then would slow down a lot and then thump back into a normal heartbeat. It did it over and over again and it really scared me. I ended up going to the Emergency Room because I couldn't get it to stop. They did an EKG and blood work and apparently it's all normal - I'm just exhausted. James and I finally got home Wednesday morning at 2:45. Thank God he stayed home with me on Wednesday so that I could rest and try and get feeling back to normal. I had a couple more times where the palpitations came on Wednesday but not near as bad as Tuesday night. Last night I didn't have them at all and today honestly, I feel mostly normal. I go back to the doctor on Friday to see what they have to say.

What this has made me realize is that I can no longer have mommy guilt or guilt at all for saying no. I am going to take better care of myself - which I had already started to do by eating more healthfully and also exercising more. I've lost another 4 lbs. I feel like slowly but surely I'm going to reach my physical health goals. Now I have to focus on my mental health goals. I can no longer be so stressed out all the time. It isn't good. I have to let things go. I have to focus on me. So, please don't be offended if I tell you no for something soon, I have decided that for my mental health, I'm going to say no a lot more. I'm not going to be taken advantage of and feel angry about it. I'm not going to kill myself trying to clean my house and do laundry because my house looks lived in and not pristine. No more mommy guilt.

It's been a year, might as well post again...

As you can see, I'm horrible about blogging. I have so many wonderful mommy friends who blog all the time. I wish I had the time, motivation, energy, things to write about... well, I'm hoping to start having more things to write about. (Honestly, I have TONS to write about and maybe that's my problem...)

Anyway, Jake just turned 3 and he's SO full of energy that I find myself not being able to keep up. It doesn't help that I'm the heaviest I've ever been, non-pregnant. I was recently diagnose with bursitis in my hip and while my doctor gave me a cortisol shot, and it helped, I'm still having some pain with it. I've realized the only way to get rid of the pain is to lose the weight. So I decided 2 weeks ago that I was going to change my eating habits. I wasn't doing this for anyone but me and my family. I want to be around for a very long time and to enjoy my children growing up and enjoy my children's children.

So my focus is 5 servings of fruit and veggies a day (which is REALLY hard to do), smaller portion sizes, 6 small meals a day instead of 3 large meals, and trying to work out for at least 30 minutes a day.

Today I weighed myself for the first time in 2 weeks - in that time I've lost 7 pounds. That's mostly just focusing on food intake. This week I've exercised every day for at least 30 minutes (I realize it's only Wednesday, but 3 days in a row is good!)

So, I figure, if I can lose 2 pounds a week, in 6 months I'll have reached my goal. And don't get me wrong, I totally have cheated on my diet - Saturday I blew the whole day by drinking a bunch at this fundraiser. I've had ice cream a couple times. I just figure it's all about moderation and making sure that I keep active and get my fruits and veggies. The worst part is that I really hate salad and I'm eating A LOT of salad. It's going ok though and I figure I'll just do the best I can.